Drudgery

What follows is a story about Bryn. But Bryn could well be me. I understand him well. We have similar heroes. Hercule Poirot is one of them. And we have similar obsessions. Though perhaps I am more outgoing than Bryn. Anyway, this isn’t about me. The story is about Bryn.

DRUDGERY

For the past nineteen years Bryn took the 8:21 bus to work and the 15:42 one back home. Even though everyone else drove a car, Bryn had stuck to his guns. Bus was a superior mode of transport – there was an air of reliability about it. Bryn appreciated the peace of mind buses offered. From the heights of his bus seat he would look down on the hapless, mad-eyed car drivers, and smile.

Then the new manager came to the branch and made changes.

The predictability of Bryn’s daily bus commute had been thrown up in the air like a pack of cards. Sometimes he would start after lunch and work till five. That meant catching the 17:12 bus. He had also been made to work every other Saturday. Working on the weekend wasn’t a problem – since his mother died four years ago Bryn had no weekend commitments to speak of. He lived alone. He shopped on Thursdays. He did chores on Friday after work. Working on Saturdays wouldn’t put him off that much if it weren’t for the big, gaping hole it had created in his life: a midweek day off. Bryn was distraught.

He’d started watching daytime TV but soon found he couldn’t cope with the unpredictable human factor of reality shows. He promptly switched to ITV3 where the looping repeats of Agatha Christie’s Poirot had at last put his mind at ease. This was his world. Hercule Poirot was his kind of man: organised, punctual, particular. It was like looking in the mirror, and nodding with approval. Bryn understood Hercule’s idiosyncrasies. Not only did he understand them – he lived them: the starching of his collars, the aligning of his shoes on the rack, the squeezing of his toothpaste starting from the bottom end, the sleeping on his back with the duvet drawn up to his chin and his fingers pinned neatly on top. It was such a relief knowing that there was someone out there just like him, for even though Poirot was a fictional character, Christie must have come across his prototype in real life. How else would she know him in such minute detail?

Bryn belonged at last! He acted and thought like Poirot. He even looked like him: rather small, corpulent and balding. He was also so self-effacingly polite that he was widely ignored, or at least, underestimated.
Bryn was remarkably inconspicuous. People never remembered him, or his name, or who he was. He could be anyone. A middle aged, ordinary, square man, he blended with the background like a blur – he was a non-entity. And that was what was eating him alive. He could do better than that. He could demonstrate his genius. Not to the world, but to himself. If only he could get into the mind of a criminal…

This morning Bryn was on the 8:21 bus. A yellow Mini, with a woman dropping her mobile and searching for it frantically with her head between her knees, zoomed by to its certain tragic end. Bryn bound his hands and kept them neatly in his lap. He was smiling rather beatifically. The 8:21 was like a home to him. His second home. He had taken it yesterday, too. It had been his day off, but he took the 8:21 to town and the 15:42 back home nevertheless. He did that often. The routine gave him a sense of purpose. And yesterday had been Wednesday – the market day. It was as good a reason as any to be in town, but not the only one.

As soon as he walked into the bank he could feel the electricity in the air. He resented it. He had twenty minutes for tea, which he would normally have with a biscuit, before pinning his name tag to the lapel of his suit and taking his place at the counter by the front window. There was no chance of that today.

Angela’s face was burning with excitement. She accosted Bryn by the door, “Did you hear?”
“Did I?”

“Armed robbery!” she shrieked. “We had a robbery! Yesterday! The guy had a gun, held Sandra at gunpoint. Surely you’d have heard?”
“Can’t say I did, sorry,” he looked at her, contrite.

“God! Where were you!” she gasped. “Sandra’s off. Too traumatic… She’ll be off sick, I imagine, for weeks.”

“I guess we’ll have to cover her shifts,” Bryn offered hopefully. Angela gawked at him with disbelief, and then exchanged a meaningful glance with Tracey.

Tracey was a part-timer and worked only afternoons, but she was in today, evidently standing in for the traumatised Sandra. She had a long, scrawny neck, like a turkey, and it shook when she spoke, “He got away with five grand.”

“Neat sum,” Bryn raised an eyebrow and cocked his head, trying to appear bemused.

“He put the gun straight into Sandra’s face. It was that or the money.”

“Did they arrest him?” Bryn was wondering if there was still time for his tea. Would it be rude if he stole a glance at his watch?

“They’re still looking… He vanished into the thin air. Sandra gave the cops his description – well, what she could remember, under the circumstances… Black coat, black balaclava… He was carrying a bag – black, with a zip and a white logo. He was tall. Big man! Didn’t say anything, just pointed the gun in her face. I was in the toilet, missed the whole thing. It took seconds,” Angela seemed disappointed.

“Let’s hope they find him,” Bryn concluded, aiming to sound definitive. He smiled apologetically and looked at his watch. It was ten to nine. “Well, I’ll… What a day! I think I’ll have a cuppa on that note,” he said and retreated awkwardly to the kitchen.

“He didn’t take it in,” Angela whispered, shaking her head with pity. “As if he doesn’t care. I’m not sure if he’s heard me…”

“He just looks… through you. I say he’s got that syndrome-” Tracey wobbled her neck with agitation. “What do you call it? I forget. But he has it and don’t tell me otherwise.”

The 15:42 was two minutes late. That disturbed Bryn. He didn’t like surprises. Then it got even worse – there was a diversion. The police had cordoned off part of The Street between the bank and Market Square.

Bryn got home outside his usual schedule. There was no point watching Poirot sixteen minutes into the episode. Instead, he took his replica pistol out of the table kitchen drawer. He had chiselled it with great attention to detail and painted it metallic black. Angela was excused for taking it for the real thing. It amused Bryn that she had conjured him as a big man. Women always exaggerate.

He wondered who had found the money. Someone had. They had not handed it in. That hadn’t gone to plan. Bryn had abandoned the bag by the cheese stall. If he’d found it, he would’ve taken it to the police. People were dishonest – more than he had given them credit for. Still, he knew how the criminal mind worked. But it was only a petty criminal. He was yet to find out what made a murderer tick.

Stock-taking: how to look reality in the eye and still live to tell the tale.

Overnight, somewhere between 12th and 13th of January in the Year of Our Lord 2013, I experienced a new awakening. It was tough. It was cruel. Nothing like the sweet music and white feathers gliding from angels’ wings onto to my whiter than white pillow. Oh no! It was the middle of the night. It was cold. My fluffy toys were fast asleep, snoring softly by my side. And it was then that I realised my writing was good for nothing.

I have written 3 books for adults – no, not THAT WAY adults – just ordinary adults with an average appetite for sex and no known deviations of character. Out of those three books, one had returned a semblance of interest from an agent who thought however that the opening was so strong and explicit that it simply could not be sustained:

“The opening scenes are moving and it is clear that you have shared your personal experience of loss with your reader. Whilst this can heighten the sense of authenticity, I felt in your case that your personal exorcism of the past, as you put it, has precipitated such a dramatic opening portrayal of death that I fear it would be hard to sustain for the length of a novel.”

Another agent had commented about my third book that it had moments of brilliant writing interspersed with moments of equally astonishing crap writing. So that was the story of my output for adults.

I went on to write 4 books for young readers, all of which have dedicated pages on this website. One of those books, “Be Gone” from the “In the Web of Time” series attracted interest from an agent who requested the full manuscript. I am yet to hear from the agent and I fear, in all honesty I can muster, that if there is going to be any news it isn’t going to be good. Too much water has gone under the bridge since the first expression of interest. I tried another agent with the same book. She responded positively by stating that the book stands out from all other material she gets, but still – regretably she could not take it on.

As for the other books, I have sent them to agents and a couple of them were entered into competitions. Nothing came of it. The sinking feeling you get when a rejection note comes or when the deadline expires for a competition is indescribible so I won’t try. But it is soul destroying.

I analysed the possible reasons for this tragic state of affairs. Many came to mind – many that would somehow explain it away without me losing face and faith, for example: oversaturation of the book market – everyone can write these days and everyone does. Books are everywhere, good and bad, piled up together on the great pyre of self-publication and e-market. People read less or rather, there is less diversity in what people read, ie we have a global readers market where every now and again one book becomes a bestseller read by millions and nobody cares or has the time to look for niche authors. Mass market is the death of individual taste in books. I could think of million other reasons – or excuses, as I should put it if I could bring myself to do so – but all in one it all boils down to me and my writing. Is it really that mediocre?

I am compelled to write. It’s a need I feel obliged to satisfy in order keep my mind and soul healthy, but that doesn’t mean my writing is any good. Does it have any potential readers? Is what I write about of any interest to anybody out there? Is my style captivating to anybody? Is there any magic in my work? The answers to all of these soul searching questions is overwhelmingly NO.

So what do I do? Giving up is an option. Getting more serious about my day job? Maybe I should be more professionally ambitious. I have the background. I have the ability. The skill. It’s just that I never have the time to pursue it seriously – all due to my obsessive writing. If only I gave it up, I could get somewhere in my career. Except that my life is a story of wasted talents and opportunities. Because I am a damned stubborn writer and little else matters.

Still, at least now I am beginning to question my reasons for existence. I put aside my latest book – two books, in fact: one for children and another one a crime story. I sort of gave up. Did I give up on writing or on those two books? I feel I am only giving up on following the old path of getting nowhere with my traditional output. I need to undergo a mutation. I have to find a voice that will attract readers. I must stop writing about what I want to say and start writing about what others want to read. Cheap skate? Maybe, but I am sick and tired of making a cake that I am then forced to eat all by myself. There is simply no fun in it. And no sense of achievement. Plus, it makes you fat.  I mean, bloated inside like an unexploded bomb.

Ticking away.

Celebrating in style

There were times when my birthday would pass by unnoticed. Mainly by me, but everyone else was equally complicit. Let’s face it: I can’t remember. I can’t remember anything about the day I was born. It’s hazy. The event doesn’t spring to mind every 2nd of December, so it is pretty forgotten. And if I can’t remember, how can I expect anyone else to?

My brother doesn’t remember. He continues in the proud tradition of my parents who never remembered. (Except once, when I was 12, my mother baked cookies for my birthday, but my brother had them all before I got home. I didn’t know about the cookies so I wasn’t in a hurry to get home from the frozen school pond.) I am beginning to think that the memory lapses in my family are genetic. Which is fair. We don’t remember one another’s birthdays so nobody sulks, and if they do, they keep it to themselves. Plus, at this stage, it may be complicated for my parents to communicate birthday wishes from Beyond…

Haley didn’t remember, but then again, how could she? She wasn’t even there when I was born all those millenia ago, was she? She, herself, was only born 9 years ago. Her dad remembered last minute as the birthday card drawn on a recycled shopping list indicates. I also got Spa and Bath set. For men… Must have been recycled too from last year’s Christmas sock.

Steve remembered. Steve remembered big time. The Victorian winter coat – gorgeous! “The Double” in the Bath’s Theatre Royal (even if it meant terrible suffering for him – just the struggle to stay awake until the interval, and thereafter) – captivating! Still, he did it! For me! He even whipped his son into submission, and a birthday card arrived, alongside a few Christmas cards, a few days after my “special” day. His mum remembered to apologise on the phone for… not remembering. Ah, my brilliant husband, he must have been working his backside off to get all his family members to come to the party. Though there wasn’t a party to come to so I can, sort of, understand their reluctance. I must say they did better than my own family by any stretch of imagination. His daughter remembered without having to be reminded! I must remember to give her an extra-special treat for Christmas. Oh yes, I will be biased. Why not?

Other than that, it was an ordinary week if I don’t mention nearly getting arrested for speeding by a dilligent policeman who was hiding behind a rubbish bin of an isolated pub in a village of no visible dwellings where the speed limit had suddenly been brought down to 30mph when I wasn’t looking so that that very policeman could capture me. I was kept at the back of his car and read the rites of ”anything you say may be used in evidence…” My skin crawled, my eyes stung, my daughter sat wide-eyed in my car wondering if mummy was ever coming home for Christmas. I had flushes of chill going down my spine. The policeman must have thought I wasn’t taking it seriously enough for he reread the rites for me again, by which point I was wishing the Armaggedon predicted for 2012 should have, after all, been true!

If that, and a fine of £60 (goodbye Christmas turkey!), wasn’t enough, I had to deliver the paper counterpart of my driving licence to the nearest police station. Easier said than done! The nearest police station was shut. There was a telephone by the door. I called and a lady somewhere in Scotland informed me of the REAL nearest police stations that could deal with my documentation. So I went on a wild goose chase around the county, searching. By that time my daughter was in tears, blaming herself for all my misfortunes, we nearly had an accident as I swerved to the right side of the road to save an adventurous cat’s life only to find myself in the path of a honking lorry, and once again – believe it or not - once again we were observed by a policeman with a speedometer in hand. It wasn’t the same policeman though and we were driving -20mph by then. So there, wish me a happy birthday!

London escapade

We drove Zaba to London. You may remember Zaba? She is the heroin of Home and About - a story about… Zaba. I was the chauffer, Steve acted as porter. We took Zaba’s favourite automobile, the Rolls she affectionately refers to as Rollie-Pollie. Zaba visited all her relations in every pond and puddle, and let’s face it, in this attrocious weather there were puddles aplenty! Good thing I am a good rower. We sang this song:

Row, row, row the boat

gently down the stream

reepeetee weepeetee

life is but a dream!

We would have stayed at the Ritz Hotel but Zaba had something more charitable in mind so we settled for IT. We hope that even the 10% of our accommodation cost will be able to feed a small African country for a year or two. Next time we will take a tent and send the whole amount directly to that small African country – it may feed them for a decade.

We saw Stomp. Full of energy, full of attitude, full of vigor! Incredible sound! A symphony created out of a wheely bin and a supermarket trolley! Amazing animation, fluidity, movement, body language that tells a story of curiosity, creativity and beauty found at the bottom of refuse damp. No barriers! We loved it. Zaba joined in. Now she wants to be a rubbish man. She is already practising sweeping floors with a bang.

We took a submarine back to the swamps of our flooded West Country.

Purpose

I get tired – impossibly, cripplingly tired – when I lose purpose. Until then I can move mountains and run endless marathons back to back. Purpose gives me energy. Without it I am weak.

People say, “Give me strength!”

I say, “Give me purpose!” The strength will come trailing behind it.

Right now, I am desperately tired.

Inkheart by Cornelia Funke

Inkheart is the first book in the Inkworld  trilogy written by Cornelia Funke and translated from German by Anthea Bell. I was recommended this book by one of my pupils in Year 6 and from the moment I opened it, I could not put it down.

The story takes the reader into the fantasy world of books where fictional characters come to life and change the course of reality. There is suspense, evil and goodness, fear and courage written into the storyline. The descriptions of settings are rich and so vivid that I felt myself transported into Elinor’s amazing library or Capricorn’s gloomy castle.  I was captivated right from the first page.

Inkheart follows the adventures of a 12-year-old girl called Meggie. Her life changes dramatically when she discovers that her father, a bookbinder named Mo (as Meggie always calls him), has an uncanny ability to bring characters from books into the real world by reading out loud. When Meggie was three years old, Mo read a book called Inkheart aloud to her mother. In an instant, Meggie’s mother, Resa, vanished into the Inkworld and three men from the novel (two of whom, Capricorn and Basta, are murderous villains) entered into the real world. Nine years later, these men have come back into their lives and Mo, Meggie, and Resa’s aunt Elinor need to return the villains back to the book’s pages.

The battle against evil has many twists and turns and the reader can never be sure of the final outcome. At first it seems that Meggie and friends stand no chance and will have to bend to the will of the powerful Capricorn in order to survive. I found myself fearing that there was no hope as treacherous events led to the final, spectacular resolution.

My favourite character is Dustfinger, one of the three characters brought out of a book. I like his internal conflict: on the one hand he wants to help Meggie despite the dangers, but on the other his only – selfish – purpose is to return to his story. You never know what he will do and he never ceases to surprise the reader with his choices.

I would recommend the story to any fluent reader over the age of 10. Inkheart is a feast of a great read that will take into a world you never knew existed, but once you’re there, you will instantly feel part of it – heart and soul.

“The Woman in Black” by Susan Hill

It is only appropriate that I should look at a ghost story on this stormy Halloween evening. I understand that both a West End play and a film with Daniel Radcliffe (also known as Harry Potter) have been made, based on this book. I have seen neither of them though I can imagine how the book may lend itself to adaptation for stage or, even more so, for a cinematographic recreation. Especially if special effects come into play.

The story is about a young solicitor, Arthur Kipps, travelling to a remote, derelict house on the outskirts of a God-forsaken little town surrounded by marshes, in order to sort out the affairs of his firm’s deceased client, Mrs Drablow. Something sinister hangs in the air even before he sees the apparition of a black-clad woman. The locals are afraid to talk about her. There is a conspiracy of silence. And fear. When Arthur gets cut off the rest of the world whilst working alone in Mrs Drablow’s house, the haunting intensifies. A chair rocks relentlessly in one of the rooms. The woman crosses his path at a cemetary. Then, in the thickest of the night, he hears the distressed sound of a drowning pony and screams of a child.

Susan Hill builds up the atmosphere with skill. She has a gothic touch. She knows the tools of horror writing: the air of secrecy, the hapless locals, an empty old house and some great tragedy lingering in the background. What I would like to see more of is the characters of the people inovlved in the ghostly affair to be more indepth, more developed. I want to know them better. I want to know them, not just the man who, randomly and irrelevantly, happens to be in the house and happens to be haunted. On the other hand, perhaps the mystery of those characters is what a good ghost story is all about?

Finally, to the ending. I won’t reveal it in case there are still people out there who have not read or seen “The Woman in Black”, but I will say that the ending, for me, was the weakest point. There was no vindication. No reason for what happened in the end. Again, it was random and unjustified and so, I felt no compassion for those affected by the original tragedy.

Overall, a decent 3 stars out of 5. A book you could read under the covers in just one single night, especially when it is raining and the tide is high.